I ran out of cigarettes yesterday around 2 pm. I decided not to get any more. I'm not on the nicotine patch. Yes, I'm quitting cold-turkey. I feel cravings that are insatiable no matter how much I eat. I barely got out of bed from about 4 pm yesterday until 7 am this morning. I slept almost 12 hours. I woke up feeling numb. My balance is off today. I feel like I took cold medication.... disconnected.

Maintaining mellow is my one and only goal today. The stressors keep pounding on the wall to get in; (the new small office, the bad lighting, the AC that numbs my hand, the unclear and ever changing task specifications) I don't know how long I can keep them out. But I've been winning lots of tiny little battles today. I forgave myself for waking up late. I'm not rushing to get into work, it will be there no matter what time I get there. I actually rode the motorcycle a little slower this morning just so I can really enjoy it. Waking up late will screw up my plans for the gym and volleyball tonight; I'm okay with that, it's not important. I forgive myself for writing this while I'm supposed to be working. Work isn't important, my happiness is.

My mind is all over the place; jumping from fighting stressors to enjoying the light-headed feeling I have today, to feeling incredibly alone. It's been a beautiful torture. It's been beautiful in that it's not the same as every other day. Today is different. It's a different reality; or the same reality viewed from a different perspective.

This painful bliss will, in all likelihood, be in vein. The chances that I quit smoking for good are incredibly slim. But what is life if there is nothing to fight for?