I had one of the most profound dreams of my life last night.

Misty & I were on the outside deck aboard a cruise ship when it suddenly crashed into something. We quickly jumped into a life boat and were lowered to the ground. The cruise ship was not at sea, it was sitting somewhere on land.

It was at this point when I felt alone; more alone than I ever had in my life. Even if we as people are by ourselves, we are never really alone. We know there are people alive that love us and care for us. You know you have friends, family, neighbors, etc... that enjoy having you in their lives. Well, imagine for a moment that there was no one that knew you enough to care if you were even alive. That's how I felt. Imagine that there was not a single thing that made you special, not your looks, your personality, your sense of humor, your morals..... nothing. Add to that a complete sense of amnesia. In addition to being alone, you have no memory of the past, you don't know who you are, where you've been, what you stand for or where you belong. There is one thing and only one thing that I remember. The love I felt from my dog Tayla.

Tayla is on one of the lower decks where pets of passengers are kept. I make my way back into the ship to find Tayla. I had to find her, she is the only sense of self and love that I know. I wanted to find her so bad that I picked up a white poodle and believed it was her. I kinda knew it wasn't her but I wanted to believe it was her so bad that I forced myself to believe it. I was holding the poodle as I was remenising of the past with Tayla from the hours I spent picking the perfect name to the day I brought her home to her jumping up on me whenever I walk through the door. I never found her.

It's now months later and the ship was repaired and I now lived in a stateroom aboard the ship. I get on my motorcycle and ride it down the hall to my office. I ask someone for directions to the bathroom and they tell me where it is as if they were a nursing home care-taker telling a senile old man. I was offended. I also realized that no one was looking at me, no one addressed me or talked to me. I still have no recollection of my past. I just know I have to get to work.

I walk in the office and look around for my desk. I see one of my co-workers, I don't know him but I know I work with him. I can't remember which desk is mine. I feel confused and alone. I put down my backpack on one of the desks and pretend like I know which desk is mine and that everything is normal. But I'm scared. What's going on? Why can't I remember anything?

I look over at my co-worker and to hide the paranoia I say with high-energy, "Good Morning". He replies to me in a similar way as the previous person, overly-friendly, "Good Morning Larry, How are you today?". Again, I'm offended. I think to myself, "Why are you talking to me like that?" He asked me why I was in the office.

I walk out into the hall without replying and as I pass a mirror, I notice that my left-hand pinkey finger is missing from the top knuckle. There is a small scab there so it's been healing for a while. As I'm looking at my hand, I'm damn-near tears and thinking to myself: Why can't I remember this? What the hell is going........... I don't under.... Am I.... mentally ill? I am. I want to die.

Then I wake up. Most people can sympothise with the mentally ill, but after last night, I believe that I can now empathize with them. The sad thing about this story is that many mentally ill people go through this pain and feeling of loneliness for mostly every waking moment of their lives. Their reality is different from ours and no one can relate to them and they can relate to no one. They are indeed alone in the truest sense. Even if they do have that moment of light where they realize they are ill, it's more often than not, temporary. They are stuck in this perpetual cycle of pain, loneliness and realization.

We have such limited insight into mental health at this stage of human existence. It's sad. I recommend reading When Someone You Love Has a Mental Illness to begin learning how to cope with someone that has a mental illness.